I'd be curious to hear your list of characteristics for a good man and/or good woman.. as we're talking about relationships, I do think the quality of those relationships are depth, vulnerability, honesty, known and being known, accept and being accepted, celebrate and being celebrated.. yes, they're found in the deepest and closest relationships, but they can also be found in growing circles of relationships as well, tho' not everyday interaction, and not conversations at the water-cooler; what I am saying is that quality relationships doesn't have to be limited to only one or two super-tight ones. Here I'm probably pushing a little bit, b/c I have the capacity for more than 1 or 2 deep & honest relationships, whereas the average person might only have the 1 or 2. Certainly one would hope and pray that the marriage relationship would be of this quality, but that's often elusive and quite a battle that many don't survive (either divorcing, or resigning to a roommate-like marriage, or staying together for the sake of the kids).
What prevents people from openness and transparency, depth and honesty? Many reasons, everyone has their own; most commonly I think, it's some category of fear. Fear of being rejected for being less than perfect, fear of what the other person will think if they knew the worst, fear of being hurt, fear of not knowing how to handle the truth about the other's brokenness. Many other fears to do with pride, reputation, approval, competition, et al. John Powell wrote a pretty popular book, "
Why Am I Afraid to Tell You Who I Am", and he explained it as: I am afraid to tell you who I am, because if I tell you who I am, you may not like who I am, and it's all that I have. And I think over the course of time, I might have to say that some people don't have the capacity for revealing themselves in an open & honest manner, having never seen it, don't know what it looks like, uncomfortable with psychological categories & introspection, and just have never gone there themselves, much less to invite someone else to go there, to go deep, vulnerable, and honest and raw.
Argh! I wrote this whole thing and now it's gone. :( Going off of memory now...I appreciate your thoughts and how well you expressed yourself. It is disappointing to hear of some of the encounters with well-known Christians to be less than uplifting. :( Yet it is another reminder that we all have feet of clay. It would probably be the same if someone decided to stick me in the limelight. Ugh! All the good...the bad...and the ugly would be exposed for all the world to see.
The characteristics you listed as being achievable for being a 'good man/woman'-- that seems to be found in only the deepest and closest of relationships. That isn't something I come across every day. The friends who demonstrate those characteristics are ones in which we've "grown" over the passage of time. Is openness and transparency achieved in the day-to-day interactions with those we encounter? What fosters that? What prevents people from achieving the vulnerability and honesty? (both with themselves and with others). It seems like most of us are afraid of being known deeply so we present a mask to the world. Or maybe we've worn our "game face" so well that we think that is who we truly are.
If women are dreaming of having a man be like Jesus, what kind of a woman can a man dream of, Mary?! :) :) While it's true that Jesus is the perfect example of a human being that any and every one aspires to, and we all desire to be treated in a Christ-like manner, I'm not so sure that gives a sufficient real-life answer to how that plays out through different personalities, and what that would look like.. well-known preachers like you mentioned, or Christian celebrities look great in the spotlight, but you really don't know what they're like in person.. even someone like Amy Grant and Sandi Patti didn't have smooth marriage lives, and having heard Billy Graham's autobiography [I recently finished listening to its audio-book version during my drive time], he himself shared about his many travels and absence from home. I know of personal stories of people who have encountered well-known Christian preachers, including one you mentioned, and their guardedness, aloofness, self-protection, was rather discouraging, and pretty much shattered any sense of respect for him. All that this person asked for was an autograph and hoped for a polite friendly conversation; what this person got was an abrupt lets-get-it-over-with scribble. [I won't name names, but if I told you who this person was, you would know who].
I'm of the persuasion that there's not a "good man" or "good woman" who can meet your or my ideal; I disappoint myself at times, and I'm a broken and imperfect person. I do think what is achievable and realistic is a person who is honest, vulnerable, and transparent with their brokenness, with their strengths and weaknesses, and demonstrates a desire to change, not only to be changing and growing himself, but to allow others to speak into their lives, and to respond to the insights and wounds of a friend. So an open communication is essential... and there will definitely be occasions when communication will not be easy; and that's when you or I are getting to places where we're touching a nerve, and on the brink of seeing breakthrough, and hopefully not breakdown. I love those poignant moment.
Jesus. :) Everyone needs to be more like Jesus- to have that balance of engaging the world and engaging others. I was thinking and thinking about who would be a role model that would come close to the imagined ideal male. I could name well-known Christians like Chuck Swindoll and Billy Graham. Steven Curtis Chapman also came to mind. But I feel I couldn't give a complete picture. I know this will be a biased since I am about to marry the guy :), but I think my fiance comes close. He can be quite focused at work, but when he's away from work, he gives whatever he is involved in his full attention and care. I value our open and easy communication. If I have any worries/concerns, he 'fights the fight' alongside me. And if I happen to stumble or fall, I have full confidence in him that he will 'lift me up' and protect me. Perhaps I'm talking too metaphorically. So do you think that such a man as we discussed below does not exist in the world today? That it's too impossible of an idea? Then what hope is there for any woman to find a good man?
The stereotypical male does engage the world and get involved with their mind and strength and vigor, and what it looks like is being a workaholic, an absent father, and a neglecting husband. The man loses themselves in their work, finds their worth and value in that, fights to climb the corporate ladder, and comes home expecting a wife and family to wait on hand and foot with newspaper, slippers, and dinner on the table.. so where does leave the typical woman? Is that the kind of active engagement? Is that the kind of fight? I know that's no the kind of guy you're talking about, and you've already said you don't think men should be passive spectator.. then what? Who would be a role model(s) that would come close to the imagined ideal male?
